My Little Part

This blog is some kind of little, tiny shadow in the google world.
I know that the few can directly access it.
I know it's little.

May I draw a cave here?
May I say my love died last month?
Here, I can tell you.

Everything I see I see with him in the memory, and in the hope of the future.
I thought I understood, by now, at the depths of me, that it is over and done with, forever, and that its a good thing.
But I still dream every night with his face, or hands, or grasp somehow involved. He is everywhere out of perhaps nothing more than habit, as far as I can tell, and this was only one year spent of how many in a lifetime?

I experience a new kind of cry, this night. It's the fountain from my youth but there is no snot or screaming or choking.

I forced myself out, into public tonight. By two p.m., halfway through my shift, I was sick of being sad, mad about it. I fought back tears for three hours today at the coffee shop, the likes of which I haven't experienced since during my year of strong, bad love with the man in the long black coat.
I forced myself to the booze which I thought was too strong for me, had to much power over me, but I found that weakness is not my excuse- there is no excuse,. I had the control to order drinks slowly, to drink plenty of water, to be composed- completely. I was myself, and everything went great, I am surprised; before, during, and after the drunk wore off.
I was even cool enough to decide at a still half-to-midnight to continue my water binge and excuse myself on-a-count-a I know my limits, and John's cousins came in to the establishment. (They use to be my nemesis, kind of.)
Fucking de ja fuckin something.
I forced myself into social uncertainty. I made a few friends, which I only have that one bar in common with...so...yeah. But I did the social thing just fine. I knew a few of the same people as the other people, I was enchanting, and met everyone in the room. None of it triggered war visions.
This I found to be satisfying as on my way home, from oh-so-far away in the middle of the night, the police officers pulled over, and ticketed several not me people, and I got home, safe and sobbing to my beautiful, amazing, kissy MAGGIE DOG.