Diamond Somehing or Other

After tonight, I miss Dream Boat like I missed my dog and apartment when I was in Olympia.
I am homesick for a Boat I don't even truly know.

I want his small town understanding mixed with his city love for Seattle.
I want his appreciation for the Deftones, and Maynard and music period. Music, not just rap all the damn time or popular radio station country/western, or wtf they call it..
I want his broken heart for his dead father, and I want to know what his father's favorite book is so that I can read it, and understand the quote from it Boat had tattood to his arm.
I want his balld head, atop his tall skinny-but-not-too-skinny body. The way my hands shake when I see him, the way my guts tangle up when I hear a voice mail from him. Just the way I honestly wouldn't change a thing about him is a strange and weird sensation to my critical, defensive/scaredy cat mentality.
I want his intelligence and maturity mixed with his easy going sense of humor in my life.
I want his eyes locked into mine like they were when we shared a chaise and faced each other, cross-legged and squinting past the sun and discussed expression itself.
I want him to see me, in the Don Juan, Casteneda sense of the word.
I want to see him, in any sense of  the word.

I wish my desperation for this practical stranger was anything but desperate.

I feel ashamed for feeling these un-reciprocated things.
But I know that I would always ask of the people around me to feel what they feel- do what's in their hearts to do. Even if that means making ridiculous gifts for people, and bringing cabbage rolls to your boss because if you hadn't, you'd be too embarrassed and ashamed to show up for work after your Jack Daniels shenanigans...
I wish that 20 year old EMT/firefighter stayed the hell out of my life, and I never saw him again after my time with him two exes ago, and all I had to agonize over at this time was Boat and maybe my boss.
But, life goes on, and adds to the complications every other day- so don't blink.

Boat is miles and miles and hours upon hours away.
With no preconceived intentions of ever seeing or speaking to me. Yet, I see his mother everyday that I work at Adelaide's and I think of him every other time I see her. She loves to talk about him.
His intelligence and creativity and artistic craziness keep him far far away, as his social smarts keep him from me when he is here visiting.

I get attention all the time from old timers, but they wouldn't be able to keep up with me, and I need something to look at besides my own birthday suit. There are people like my puppy dog trainer who are sweet at first, but get bored eventually and show that they are too stupid to love me. There are pretty little young things around all the time, but they are looking for the younger chicks, or boys, or tonka trucks, or whatever it is they do these days and wouldn't give me the time of day. There are also one or two males in my life with evident little crushes for me and I don't know what to do with it, nothing about it is tugging my the button like it has before.

Meanwhile, here I am, sea sick, stuck on my Boat.