Get off This!

My little tinker toy brain is skipping like a record!
The pattern of the mood swing/ war flashback starts with a trigger and ends with an ah-ha moment.
In between, there is a frantic desire to rip off my skin and run away from it, and just be nasty and raw for a while.
He's gone, and I still have this nasty pattern in my life! I wish people could be warned, that they could
understand how careful they need to be about who they spend their time with. Granted, we grow up in family units comprised of folks who may not be the most healthy individuals for our development, and we can't do a damn thing about it. That doesn't mean we have to put anyone in our lives, just because they are pretty, and sound good when they speak.
It looked so good on paper.

Past few days, I've been obsessing about my cursed fourth of july habit.
I wrote Boat an email out of my embarrassment, out of my craving for positive attention- oh won't someone tell me I'm not the SCUM I think I am! I also asked about this and that, informed him that I'd be visiting my folks near his town, so he should probably hide behind a thick sturdy door. He never did respond, and I wish he would, if for no reason other than to be acknowledged.
I liked that he called at three am, just to be polite.
Now, he's too freaked out, bored, busy, or uninterested to respond. That's okay- I do know that it's not his responsibility to acknowledge me, to fluff me up. That's the whole point, I crave fluffment more than a grown ass woman ought to.

Maybe I should send my nemises a care package of spagetti-os.
Maybe I should just learn to live with the fact that maybe I really won't function properly because I'm not enough like her. Find a way to enjoy my crooked edges, and hide under rocks instead of venture out to where she or fred might be. Woo-hoo, fuck.
Not