The Heart of Life

We all have bad, or off days.
Days when life's constant tug of war wears the enamel right off of us.
Sure the exterior layer which keeps us feeling strong, safe and confident-and worthy of good and abundance- grows back in time. Maybe the enamel doesn't come back for a day, a year, or until you take a vacation or fall in love with an idea, but it always comes back.
We always get bored with feeling bad, just like we all get bored with feeling well.

I have been feeling run-down, and fought a sick-bug during, and now past the weekend. I have been emotional, and vulnerable. I went to work at the bar feeling this way- and suffered the consequences. It's reallllly baaaaaad policy to be a mopey bartender. The customers HATE you for it.

Sometimes, the reassurance of the people around us, the kisses and worried looks from the dogs named Maggie are all that it takes to get through the rough stuff and into the next marvelous adventure, but when it's not enough, there's always the music, for me. There's always the powerful, meaningful, mysterious elixir that is music- medicine taken through the ears and soul.
The song "Silver Lining" reminds me of how my Mother and Papa bear talk to me. How much they hate to see me cry, but love me all the more for my tenderness.




This song, Careful Where You Stand, seems to be a good consonance to the images whirling around in my head lately.
"I feel safe, I feel strong, when I'm with you can I do no wrong
I am cured, when I'm by your side"
That puts a person in a pretty dependent position.
To get a feeling like safety, like "cured" from a person, is like being able to run to a drug to feel "alright".
I am feeling this 'be careful" for someone at this time. I am failing miserably at the "no. no. no...maybe." philosophy I so whole-heartedly embraced at the beginning of my singledom.

The entire time I have been complaining about not being "seen" in the "Casteneda sense of the word", he was not only there seeing me, he was moved in an excited- smitten, if you will, way.
He has been reading my diary through my eyes and adoring every "word" of it since he first watched me futz around, trying to entertain myself- he was there, confusing me and testing my boundaries.
Now, my boundaries against him have crumbled, and I am being altered in the way that only four letter words can seem to alter a person.

But I don't want to be altered.
I don't like the way I feel and act when I feel safe and warm by anyone's side- the way I become a leech. The way I become a big crying, pouting, spoiled child.
Possessively, obsessively devoted to someone is a dangerous thing.
But it seems to the the kind of illogical, passionate, impulsive kind of bullshit that keeps the world spinning 'round. Do I follow Mom's advice here, and just be still- let myself be loved? Do I surrender to what life has to offer, and just pray that he will be better for my untamed heart than the others have been?

I have to remind myself to follow through with things like having patience for the times things don't go my way, like trusting that things from the past won't always repeat themselves in the future.
I really do seem to fall in love every chance I get. At least I tend to learn a lot from being changed and moved by love. One of these days I'll learn my final lesson.

No it won't all go the way it should, but I know the heart of life is good.