The You Set Me on Fire Blues

Things have been really good.
Really Really good.

I had been noticing that feeling of looking over one's shoulder, waiting for the shoe to drop, so to speak- things have been going so well.
I've felt like that person I knew I was supposed to love and appreciate, but didn't feel authentically enough like to truly adore. There she is, I keep saying.

But what was I thinking, for so long, so dearly, so truly loving that man? What business did I ever think I had in his life?
I must remind myself, it all started the night he shoved my feelings under the rug he shagged braceface on- last fourth of july. Every female friend he had either gave him money/work, or at one time was his fun bag.
The chip on that guy's shoulder was monumental.
He was monumental, to me, for whatever reason- I can't recall at this time.
At this time, I see clearly a flood of the way he really was, how toxic he was for me- his little pals were never so invested and hopelessly devoted to him to get to see it, and I can't help but see these deep character flaws in my own self for having been so devoted.
Having been so very, very weak- so self destructive, that I was so ready and willing to murder myself for not living up to his expectations of  not even what I should be, but even worse, that I should be this generic box definition of what a good woman should be.
I thought I was fighting for a relationship, a lasting love- but now I see more clearly every damn day, I was fighting him, just him. He was good for fighting with, I loved so dearly, to hate him, and to belittle myself next to him.

I shudder.
I'm glad he publicly demoralized me that night at the bar with his dear friends, and came home to cut me loose.
I am glad it didn't drag on any longer.
I am glad the people he associates with, the ones who judge, the ones who follow in shallow single dimensional-ism, believe his crude A.D.D. illusions about human behavior, my behavior. I am glad that they listen to him- this way, I can hope, they won't touch me with a ten foot pole.
It's a good way to weed out the vampires.