Shop Girl

I have moved my life into the apartment above Adelaide's, the 1800's built, historic Taylor House.

There is so much history here, if these walls could talk they would have so much to say.
I feel at home, at peace here.

The break from my lover has been a good thing.
I have never lived alone, felt the security and serenity of my own domain. I have never needed to reach out to non-romantic relationships for support. I have never had to only cook, clean, think, schedule for one.
I have never had to sleep in a place, far away from family or lover through the night without promise that eventually one would be there with me again. My moods have always received comments from the people I live with, and so often those comments are misunderstood, judgmental, though well meant.

The spikes of "happy chemicals" came from others, and I  have been shown a tendency of mine to leech, to depend on like nourishment these relationships for the balance of love and respect in my heart.
I have been shown that I am strong, and I am responsible for my moods, my actions, my inter-actions. That no other person should ever have the power to "make me feel" anything.
These things, as well as so many other intimately intertwined themes or truths of life, are things I have ran from. These lessons I have not learned, this responsibility I have not taken, manifests in mood swings, suicidal depression, hatred toward the person/people I some to rely on for so much, rage at my embarrassing moments and failures, at my short comings.
I am seeing a doc about these bad things, and the words I've heard from so many important people in my life keep ringing through my brain: "Ali, there's nothing wrong with you that you need medicine for, you just need to change your thinking, to change your behavior."
Mom and Papa Bear can tell you, have told me, that since I was able to express a bad attitude, I have.
Good attitudes too, but my spotted memory is refreshed when they talk about my high highs, and low lows, and how I go from one to another in the blip of a comment, gesture, or idea.
I have also been told that I am intelligent, loving, funny, and hard working (that last one has an on and off switch).
I have to consider the possibility that I was born, or was pre-disposed so from early on developed, imbalanced neuro-pathways, or chemical tides, or whatever they call them.
I know that this life change is for the best, and that I am on the right track.
However, as an insurance policy for the skin on my wrists, I am going to go on meds, so poo on you all who think that I just need to buck the heck up!
It will hopefully not take the five years docs and I spent on an unsuccessful voyage to find "the right one"  before my year and two months of this unmedicated horror movie to find something that works, and that I can afford.

Things in the not so far reaches of my mind include but are not limited to ;)
I become a student! (Imagine all of the people I can meet! Practice making and KEEPING friends!)
I save money to follow my family to Olympia!
Don't run back to Him- stay in the care of myself and my friends and my family until I have mastered responsibility, so I can repay someone for the pleasure I receive from having them in my life.

Things to force into the Front of my mind:
I have knitting fun with my sister, and make time to go to groups where knitters knit!
Sit in the Spa with Lenane!
Garden for fun and for money, now that I won't get to garden fun my own garden.
Take maggie for hikes in the hills, long long walks on the beach and in my cool new neighborhood.
MEET NEW PEOPLE.
Volunteer, help people- make time for this instead of drawing energy to cook, clean, resent, confuse, be ashamed.
Save money, now that I have learned how!
I won't be missing the family reunions this year, because I won't have to dance around the business of anyone else! And, I will have clear head space, a full heart, and attention to give to my family- which I have always wanted to do, but have been too distracted to take initiative and do!

I will need to start changing the way I cook, the way I think about cooking and shopping for groceries. But I know that I have fantastic resources in my family and friends to so that.
I will need to take care to stay busy- and when all else fails for entertainment, work= money and that's sure not bad!

Anyway, to my few followers, I just wanted to play on the computer and let you know about what's going on.
Sending love into the Web-
ALI